"This baby in your womb will certainly not live." She said it while she was chewing gum and joking with the nurse about her rented house that she didn't like. She said it while she was laughing... she said it...
She is a specialist doctor in obstetrics and gynecology. I went for a routine check-up at the end of my sixth month, only to be shocked by news that turned my life upside down. How and what happened? Is it possible she is talking to someone else? Who am I? Where am I?
I got up from the examination bed in total shock. This is impossible... everything was fine. I had already prepared the clothes, the bed, and everything my little baby would need. I left while she was calling my name: 'Wait, we haven't finished yet.' I was just on my way to shop for more things for him...
The Days of Waiting and Hope
I headed to a nearby park and sat there for long hours, crying and staring at the sky. I returned home collapsed from the shock, not knowing what to do. I decided to see another doctor, who confirmed the same diagnosis: my little one was suffering from a growth stop, known as IUGR. The amniotic fluid had started to decrease significantly.
The doctor suggested giving me fifteen days, monitoring me every week to see if he would grow or not. I went home hopeful, praying for any news to cheer my heart. I started eating recklessly—healthy smoothies and meals—hoping they would help my little one grow even a little. After the set time, I returned with all my heart hoping for a miracle, but the doctor's words shocked me even more: there was no change at all.
The Most Painful Wait
I stayed like this for an extra month, going every week for an ultrasound. The doctor's words were: "I’m sorry, all you have to do now is wait for his heart to stop. For his heart not to beat... for him to just die." Those words froze my soul. How can a mother wait for her little one’s heart to stop? My own flesh and blood, who was kicking more and more, being so active. One day, I felt a severe headache and my vision became blurry. I went to the hospital and was admitted because my blood pressure had risen dangerously, putting my life at risk. The doctor informed me then that my son had truly passed away... his heart had stopped.
A New Strength from the Ashes
I went into an emergency delivery feeling like a dead person myself. I had no feeling of what was happening around me; all I wanted was to sleep and feel nothing at all. During the procedure, my blood pressure and heart rate spiked, forcing the doctors to put me under total anesthesia. I woke up, and it was all over. My little son now lives in a better place than his mother's womb.
These painful memories stayed stuck in my mind for a long time. I became very ill afterward, developing chronic and acute inflammation in my stomach and severe nutrient deficiencies that I still struggle with today. One shock and people without a grain of mercy made me suffer and lose my health.
Now, after two and a half years, I am gathering the pieces of myself. I am stronger than ever, knowing how to face challenges and protect myself from now on. I will continue to heal and do my best to bring back the old Nourell—the vibrant girl with a smile that never fades.
With love and strength,
Nourell
From my warm place somewhere in the world, I send you all my love and many doses of sparkle. I always love to see your beautiful comments.
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