losing a child
"This baby in your womb will certainly not live." She said it while she was chewing gum and joking with the nurse about her rented house that she didn't like. She said it while she was laughing... she said it...
She is a specialist doctor in obstetrics and gynecology. I went for a routine check-up at the end of my sixth month, only to be shocked by news that turned my life upside down. How and what happened? Is it possible she is talking to someone else? Who am I? Where am I?
I got up from the examination bed in total shock. This is impossible... everything was fine. I had already prepared the clothes, the bed, and everything my little baby would need. I left while she was calling my name: 'Wait, we haven't finished yet.' I was just on my way to shop for more things for him...
The Days of Waiting and Hope
I headed to a nearby park and sat there for long hours, crying and staring at the sky. I returned home collapsed from the shock, not knowing what to do. I decided to see another doctor, who confirmed the same diagnosis: my little one was suffering from a growth stop, known as IUGR. The amniotic fluid had started to decrease significantly.
The doctor suggested giving me fifteen days, monitoring me every week to see if he would grow or not. I went home hopeful, praying for any news to cheer my heart. I started eating recklessly healthy smoothies, and meals hoping they would help my little one grow even a little. After the set time, I returned with all my heart hoping for a miracle, but the doctor's words shocked me even more: there was no change at all.
The Most Painful Wait
I stayed like this for an extra month, going every week for an ultrasound. The doctor's words were: "I’m sorry, all you have to do now is wait for his heart to stop. For his heart not to beat... for him to just die." Those words froze my soul. How can a mother wait for her little one’s heart to stop? My own flesh and blood, who was kicking more and more, being so active. One day, I felt a severe headache and my vision became blurry. I went to the hospital and was admitted because my blood pressure had risen dangerously, putting my life at risk. The doctor informed me then that my son had truly passed away... his heart had stopped.
A New Strength from the Ashes
I went into an emergency delivery feeling like a dead person myself. I had no feeling of what was happening around me; all I wanted was to sleep and feel nothing at all. During the procedure, my blood pressure and heart rate spiked, forcing the doctors to put me under total anesthesia. I woke up, and it was all over. My little son now lives in a better place than his mother's womb.
How to get over the loss of a child?
When I lost my baby, the people around me didn't let me grieve. They said: "You are not the only one who has lost a child, get up and be strong." So, I did what I was told. I hid my pain. I pushed my feelings deep inside to take care of my responsibilities, but my body couldn't handle the weight of that silence.
Eventually, my body broke. Because I wasn't allowed to cry, I ended up facing an autoimmune disease and even a sudden heart attack. It was a painful lesson that keeping our pain inside only leaves scars that never heal.
These painful memories stayed stuck in my mind for a long time. I became very ill afterward, developing chronic and acute inflammation in my stomach and severe nutrient deficiencies that I still struggle with today. One shock and people without a grain of mercy made me suffer and lose my health.
healing mother journey
I am finally finding the strength to share my journey of healing. Writing this isn't easy, but I feel that maybe there is another mother out there feeling this same deep sadness, someone who just needs to know she isn’t alone. We often feel we have to stay strong for those who love us, and for me, my 10-year-old son is the reason I kept going. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn't be the woman I am today.
But for a long time, I was silent.
I’m sharing my story now because speaking up is the first step toward peace. To any mother out there feeling this same pain: please, live your grief. Let your emotions flow so you can heal without leaving those deep scars inside. My body suffered because I stayed silent, and I don't want that for anyone else.
Now, after two and a half years, I am gathering the pieces of myself. I am stronger than ever, knowing how to face challenges and protect myself from now on. I will continue to heal and do my best to bring back the old me, the vibrant girl with a smile that never fades.
I'm Nourell, and I’m finally trying to heal from the scars they can't see. I hope you'll stay with me as I move forward and find my way back to peace.
From my warm place somewhere in the world, I send you all my love and many doses of sparkle. I always love to see your beautiful comments. Let’s connect
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It is hard to lose a baby! I hope you are able to finally grieve now and work through things. Our mental, emotional and physical health are all intertwined, more than modern medicine seems to realize.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind and supportive words, You are absolutely right, mental, emotional, and physical health are all connected, and it takes time to heal them all together. Sharing this part of my journey hasn't been easy, but knowing it resonates with others helps so much. I truly appreciate your presence here
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